At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
