Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
