Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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