he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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