the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
