I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
