Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
