I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
