So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize