i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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