I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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