I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
