My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
