Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize