babies were throwing up all over the place
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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