So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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