I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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