the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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