My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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