better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robitsâ€
Randomize
