you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
