the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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