oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
