Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
