I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
