She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
