how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize