so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize