the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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