I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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