The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
