Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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