I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
