ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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