I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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