I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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