in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
