A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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