if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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