i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize