big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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