If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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