Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
