shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
