i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
