Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
