dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What a dumb baby whore.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
