Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
