my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
