I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
