Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
