Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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