just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
