So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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