On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
