so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
