All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
