I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize