I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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